TATTOOS

In the past 3 years since turning 18 I have gotten 3 tattoos. My first was a few days after my 18th birthday and the next two were in February this year. I can't really remember the reason for why I wanted my first one but I knew I wanted one and I think it was the first thing that came in to my head! (totally not a permanent thing Tash...)

I have a stick woman on my left thumb and although when I got it there was no real reason behind it, I have since attached meaning to it - I am proud of the woman I am turning it to and it's a reminder to always be me.

My second one I actually wanted to get done first. I had had the image in my head since probably 2010 but chickened out of getting it as my first because it was kind of  big. It is a moon and woman on my left inner upper arm.

This one I got as a tribute to my grandad, my mums dad, as he was basically my father figure for most of my childhood. When he passed away in 2009 I would go outside when it got dark to look at the moon and stars and look for a sign that he was watching over us. 

And my third is a rainbow on my right thumb. Honestly I think this is my favourite one right now. Many people don't think it is real to start with as when it was first done and still really bright it looked like someone had melted crayon wax on my hand. 

I had possibly my worst month ever in January of this year and I am proud of myself for being able to get through as honestly I didn't think I was going to. This rainbow is a symbol to me that when you take the bad with the good you can still get something beautiful. My something beautiful was blossoming into myself and this rainbow will always remind me of that. 

(Also I can put my thumbs together so it looks like the rainbow is over my lady and this has become a way of me telling people at work that I am happy without using words... I get it I'm stupid)

I have so many more that I want to get that I can't quite believe I'm not back in the chair already!

Natasha

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

January just gone was the 6 year anniversary of my medical termination and every year it rolls by it normally wipes me out for the month meaning that by February I'm almost back to "normal Tash" again. This year has been completely different though. January was still a very hard month for me but for other reasons. I'd just had a devastating break-up, I was trying to quit drinking and smoking everyday and basically was trying to build myself a routine and purpose. I had to many things going on and to try and get in order that the anniversary went unnoticed to me until (of all places) I was getting a tattoo.

Laying on the bed looking up at the ceiling trying to busy my mind with anything to distract from the pain, the "what would my 5 year old look like" question came up out of the blue. It didn't leave my head all day and by coincidence I went out for drinks that evening with the would-have-been-dad. He and I have never really in-depth spoken about what happened and told each other how we feel about it until then - I think alcohol was a big helper with that!

Having had that conversation with him I think has reaffirmed to me that just because an opportunity presents itself that doesn't mean it is right for you, even if it is something you really want. Had I actually gone through with the pregnancy there would have been a lot that I wouldn't have done. I probably wouldn't have finished school in a better position than I did. I wouldn't be in the job that I am now and I probably wouldn't have come out.

So this year was different because I didn't need to mope about and shut myself away for an entire month just to get through it. It's actually been my driving force to better myself and achieve the things I want to. Ultimately, isn't that what you want from "mistakes" in life? To make you want to learn how to do things the right and best way for you?


Natasha

CUTTING THE "RECKLESS"

So today was the day that I cut the "reckless" out of my life. As of right now (9:05pm) I haven't had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 22 hours. I've decided to start writing because it's getting to the point in the evening when I would be reaching for at least one of those and as much as I don't want to I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm feeling more positive about this decision than I thought I was going to/have done when I've tried to quit in the past few months. 

I've only been smoking for just over 2 years but recently it has become something to fill my time with and I've gotten even more addicted to the habit than the actual nicotine itself. The thing that I have discovered today that made it so hard for me to cut down smoking or even quit completely in the past is that I feel the need to be busy 24/7. I need to have something to occupy my time with. 

The drinking I didn't really see as a problem until recently, even with some people raising their concerns. It was helping me be able to get to sleep without laying in bed for hours not being able to shut my brain off due to needing to fill every second of my day with something. This in-turn, I have just found out, was actually making me more tired as I wasn't able to achieve a deep enough sleep and I was waking up every day with at least a mild hangover. 

It also helped me with my appetite, somehow I had gotten to a place of only occasionally feeling hungry and if I had a drink or 2 say when I got in from work at 5pm then I knew I would be hungry enough by 7pm to make myself eat. I was a little anxious about whether or not my appetite would come back straight away however baring in mind that it hasn't even been 24 hours since my last drink I have had 3 meals today. I'm not going to lie I am proud of myself for that. 

With having just over a week off from work I have basically had nothing to do but to start kicking these habits and trying to develop a more relaxed outlook to free-time. I have had nearly everyone that I have spoken to over the last week tell me that I need to take care of myself more and to be honest it wasn't the words that they were saying that have forced me to try but it was the way that they were saying them. I hate feeling weak but what I hate even more is appearing it, and I guess I must be appearing weak as all I've really gotten from people is "How are you doing"s and sympathetic head tilts. 

This week off has really opened my eyes in to how very broken I am but also it has helped me to re-calibrate and achieve some very basic things that I really didn't think I would be able to achieve. So for that at least, I am thankful.

Natasha

NEW YEAR, NEW ME

"New year, New me"

That phrase is tossed around by most people at the start of every year. Normally with a specific goal in mind. This year I too am one of those people however I'm not too sure what my specific goal is.

It appears that I need to start my road to discovery of myself but I'm not too sure how I go about that. I know my basic self already and the expected normality of what the future will hold so I'm not too sure where this road will lead me and if I'm honest I'm not too sure I care.

I don't hold any expectation that this year I will figure this out and I'm okay with that, but there is one thing I need to learn and hope to be able to grasp it soon.

How to live for myself

Since the age of 14 I have been in relationships and always had someone else to think of. Someone else to focus on. I'm the type of person that would rather do something for someone else than do something for me and with the start of this year I no longer have the option to do that.

I think the reasons that I dislike thinking about what I want is either that I am too young to want it or I have too many thoughts of what I want that I don't know where to start. I want to be able to flash forward 10 years and be somewhere different and more "settled" than where I am now.

All I really want, and know that I want, is to be happy. We have no choice in being born and no real "big-picture" reason for why we are here (that we know of) so why not try and make the most of what we can achieve. 

What I think is hard for most people to grasp with me is that I am in many ways a lot older than my actual age. Having the prospect of starting a family at such a young age I feel that I have been chasing it ever since.

The things that I need to work on changing are the things that I have subconsciously put in place to push that reality further and further away. Who can happily start a family when they smoke, are borderline alcoholic and with someone that isn't ready for the things they want?

So I guess when I say that this year is going to be the year that I live for myself I really mean that this year I will stop self-sabotaging what I want and see where life can take me.

Natasha

THEM

Have you ever met someone and you want to tell them everything about you? Every single, minuscule thing. That you imagine them with you day-to-day just to get over that. Because who can really remember everything that happens in the day?

For all intensive purposes lets call this person to me "them" or "they". 

Its like I want them to be with me all 24 hours of the day and if they can't, because believe it or not we both lead separate lives, then I want to fill them in on what they have missed. 

Most of the time it's not even relevant stuff, either. It could be that I finally got around to booking that appointment I was meant to weeks ago, or something funny that happened at work, or even some weird thing that my body is doing. 

I have had this for the past 21 weeks. To the point that they went on holiday for two weeks and didn't have internet or signal for a good portion of that time and I sent them about 500 messages.

No joke

Heaven only knows what they must have thought when they got in to range of signal and another 50 messages popped up. 

The best part about that though, is that they always reply.

Natasha

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD

Its like I'm both aware and unaware of what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can rationalise with myself either way. 

Do I want to eat? Or don't I?  

I've had issues with food for as long as I can remember. I've tried to figure out where it stemmed from because I know when I was younger I wasn't concerned about what I looked like or how much I weighed. I've come to the conclusion that it started when I was in primary school and found it hard to eat around the other kids that were eating too. I guess I was somewhat of a fussy eater as a child so if someone was eating something I didn't like the smell of it would make me lose my appetite. 

But from there it went on to secondary school where I would have just enough time in the morning to get dressed, brush my teeth and leave. I could never be bothered to pack myself a lunch the night before or get up earlier to be able to do it in the morning, so I didn't. I remember making a game out of it. Sitting in class and seeing how far I could push the table in to my stomach so that it would stop making noise. I'd make it through those 6 hours at school and then come home and binge on whatever I could find. 

For the two years that followed me leaving school it went away. Or maybe it went in the opposite direction - because all I would do is eat. I would have breakfast in the morning before leaving for work. Walk the forty-five minute walk to work (as I was 16 and didn't have a car) stopping off on the way to buy my lunch. Normally that would be some kind of ready meal and as many sugary treats as I could carry. Spend all day eating, walk home and have a snack then have dinner and do it all again the next day. 

Then came my current job, which I love but have never felt like it's an "OK" environment to eat in (it's a hospital). Between the variety of aromas I'm around on a daily basis and never really feeling like my hands are clean I just stopped eating on shift all together. It didn't help that I had started smoking and used that and coffee to get me through my day. 

Earlier this year I had somewhat created another kind of game where I would see how long I could go without eating. This meant that I was eating my first meal of the day at 10pm. Then that became not eating for a whole day and having a meal the next.

Looking back over it all I can see that my worst point was going three days without food. I was at work on the third day and had just about finished my 8 hour shift and ran down stairs to get a set of patient notes before I left and came over all light headed. I just put it down to the fact that I hadn't drunk enough water and carried on even though I could see black spots everywhere. I had gone up a ladder to find said set of notes and at the top my eye sight went almost completely. I came down from the ladder just in time to black out and woke up about 15 minutes later laying on the floor. I got the notes, took them upstairs and left without saying anything to the nurses that I work with (normally I bombard them with anything remotely medical I have going on). I also decided that it would be a good idea to drive home. From then I made a conscious effort to at least fit food in around my shifts. 

I still to this day don't know what brings on the feeling of not wanting to eat but I'm better at fighting it when it does rear its ugly head.

Natasha

METAL COMFORTS

I was never really a person who wore jewellery. I've always had it, just never remembered or could be bothered to put it on. Now however, I seem to have acquired a few pieces that I never take off.

I've worn the same ring for four years, just a simple silver band that sits on my middle finger of my right hand. I got it to wear to prom in 2013 and from that day it has never really come off. 

I have another ring that sits on my index finger of my left hand, this one I guess I've somewhat stolen. 

I wear the same necklace every day because I love it so much. It's a simple thin chain with a circle pendant that has my zodiac sign on it. I'm not a believer in the zodiac but the person who designed it modelled it after a necklace her dad passed down to her and I like that notion.

My last piece — and my favourite piece — is a bracelet. It's a very thing blue string with silver beads, the beads are different sizes and spell out a word in morse code. This again doesn't ever leave my vicinity , if it isn't on my wrist then its on my necklace as I can't wear bracelets at work.

I never thought I would find such comfort in a small amount of metal or string, but I do. Its like being able to carry around your comfort blanket wherever you go. I go in search of them no matter what my mood. I twist my rings around my fingers when I walk or have something to concentrate on. I hold the pendant of my necklace when I'm talking to people or am getting stressed. Its almost like they have become a part of me, just an extra limb to me now.

Natasha

*untitled*

Its like flying and being out-of-your-face-drunk all at once.

You can feel every pressure point, tension and knot in your body and almost feel them coming undone.

Its like you're having a million different conversations with a million different people but you know you've been silent the entire time.

Its like wanting to take on the world and make it something completely different but also not wanting to move an inch.

Its like having the entirety of your personality release itself ahead of you and you're trying to catch up with it.

Its like you somewhat know whats going on, you just don't care about what it is to really know.

It can transport you into some other dimension and make you live in that world for what feels like forever.

It can make you think things you never thought possible.

It can make you feel things that you never dreamt possible.

That is... until the comedown.

Natasha

MATE.

Lucy Chelsea Erin mother-fucking Whiles.

You are something else, someone else.

Alright, so its quarter to two on a Wednesday morning. This is one of the very few nights that we have been apart in the past month and guess what... I can't sleep, so i'm just going to type and see what comes out. Here goes -

Without wanting to sound dramatic (but knowing I will) you have flipped my world upside-down. I've never felt like a real, happy future was waiting for me — that it would even be attainable — but you have shown me what happy is and how much it's been missing from my life. Its taken you three months to turn me in the person I've wanted to and tried to be for 20 years.

No amount of time with you is long enough, it always goes too quickly. Before I know it its quarter to seven in the morning and you're going off to work and I have to deal with not being with you for the next 10 hours. I feel like I'm just being able to catch my breath and realise just how real this all is, Because its more real than either one of us thought it was ever going to be. 

Trying to put down in words exactly how you make me feel and what you mean to me is proving difficult. And I'm an articulate person. You've got me stumped. Its like I could burst at any moment. You could look at me or smile or try to hide and its like my entire body is shouting "I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH" but it's not shouting at all because I feel so calm and at peace, Its like a really loud, comforting whisper that radiates through me.


You are the unicorn to my Agnes.

You are my definition of home.

Happiness - Working Title...

"Hello old friend. Oh my, do we have some catching up to do."

Thats the sentence I have found myself saying a lot lately.

I feel like I have woken up from a two-year long coma and have slotted myself back into the world again. I finally feel like I can be a me that I'm happy with. I've spent so long trying to shut my brain off and not opening up that I forgot how much I love to talk and day dream and plan for the future. I've neglected so many people in my life out of what I thought was necessity, but every one of them has welcomed me back with open arms.

I have a few people in my life that have always been hell-bent on being happy. This allusive thing I've never felt overall about my life - I thought it meant all day everyday sat there with a cheshire-cat grin on your face. I know I've been happy but I always relied on someone else to get me there. Knowing this, I thought that I had become a good liar by being able to get out the words to convince them. Recently though, I have been told that that wasn't the case.

In the last few months these people have seen the change in me and highlighted it to me. I've also seen it in myself too, I sing more, smile more, laugh harder than I ever have. I strike up conversations easier and make an effort to do something with my day and generally have a more positive outlook on life. I didn't allow myself to look towards the future because all it did was depress me that it wasn't happening now. I've always wanted to be older than I actually am, and have all the things that came with it - The house, the kids and the responsibility were the only things I thought I would be content with. I'm still excited for the things, but I'm more looking forward to the journey to get there.

"What changed?" I can't hear you ask.

I went on holiday... Not a big thing in itself, I know. But to me it was the best move I've made so far. It was the first time I had left the country in three years and the first time ever without an adult! I thought that I was a very cautious person, someone who didn't like being too far from my home. I didn't like the thought of not being able to get myself home if I felt uncomfortable or scared and I thought that I wouldn't enjoy going away, but being away was completely different this time, and since then I haven't had any feelings like that - I feel at home wherever I am.

Tomorrow is something I look forward to now, and I'm loving it!

Natasha

CHRISTMAS

I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that it is already August. Having said that, I'm starting to not be able to contain my excitement for Christmas!

I don't know if it's the lack of summer weather or really just that I love the end of the year but boy, I can't wait. The layers come out, the heating goes on. It's all hot chocolate and blankets and celebrations. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

I think this year I'm more excited than ever because I have put myself down to work Christmas day. Something I know a lot of people wouldn't do, but I love my job - I work on a children's ward at a hospital. 

When I got the job the resounding reply I got was "Isn't that going to be really difficult, seeing sick children everyday?" Don't get me wrong, it isn't rainbows and sunshine all day every day. It gets manic and stressful and disconcerting at times but all it takes is for one child to laugh or dance around for the mood to change. 

Phrases said on the daily are "I can't cope, they are too cute" and "Be careful or I might just steal you". Children are resilient and being able to see the change in them from one day to the next is beautiful. There have been a fair few kids that have been with us for a while, I have a habit of getting myself attached or invested in their recovery and the hardest thing — at least in my case — is saying "Okay you, I don't want to see you back here!" because I'm so happy that they are better but at the same time I'm not going to see them everyday. 

On Christmas day, we only have the kids in that require too much to be able to go home. Which means that the staff on shift are a part of their day - Santa comes in, presents are given out and you won't be able to find a single member of staff without some kind of headband with antlers or snowflakes on. Everyone is in high spirits and it's such a chilled day. 

I see it like another family I get to celebrate with.

I'm so excited!

Natasha

THE PAST FIVE MONTHS

Ho. Ly. Shit! 

So the past few months have been interesting - to say the least. What hasn't happened? I fell madly in love, turned 18, got my first tattoo and bought a car. All within 5 months. 

Okay, so falling in love... I thought I had been through that before. Turns out I hadn't - like at all!
I've decided that what I had been through was attachment to another human being, craving human attention so much that you jump at the chance for the first person who comes along to give it to you.

No, What I'm in now is love. From the raging butterflies that consume my stomach every time she looks at me to the constant need of physical contact - there is no other way to describe it but that four letter word.

Turning 18... THE most anti-climactic thing going. I have been "out on the town" TWICE. Its safe to say I'm a little disappointed at myself.

My first tattoo - not something I went crazy with but boy do I have plans for my next... 100! I got a small stick woman outline in black on my left thumb/back of my hand. I love it because the tattooist used the exact drawing I gave him (that I drew) so she has little quirks about her. Like having stubby arms and one leg shorter than the other. 

And finally my car. Miss Pepper "Chuggers" Chuggington is a Smooth Mint fiat 500 and I am utterly obsessed with her. Pepper gets her first name from a conversation I had with my dad, I was trying to explain the colour of the car and when he said "like peppermint?" I knew her name! "Chuggers" didn't come until the day I got her. I got her delivered to my work and the first place I drove her to was my girlfriends house. I picked her up and we went for a drive for me to "break in the car" as I was told to do by some many people and attempted a somewhat steep hill going 30 mph in 4th.  Without soundly like I'm exaggerating pepper almost came to a stop! I quickly had to drop to 2nd, floor the accelerator and pray out loud, When an exclamation from passenger finished off her name. "Come on Chuggers" So far I have only three "decorations" - A small multi-coloured/gay pride themed dream catcher, A small licence plate that has my name on it from LA and a green stuffed money companion called Salt (like Salt and Pepper, get it?!) Who's arms and legs wrap around the headrest on my seat.

What an eventful five months - I'm utterly exhausted.

Natasha

FAMILY - UPDATED

So one of my first posts on this blog was about family, mine specifically, and in that post (which you can read here) I wrote about how I would call someone a family member even if we aren't blood related to me but then continued the post by only talking about my actual family members.

I love my family, no matter how big or complicated it is. But family is somewhat forced upon you from birth. You don't really have a choice in the matter of if you actually want those people in your life and I think because of this we all develop different sides of our selves. I free a few more of my personality traits with my friends than I do with my family and that's because they are two very different groups of people.

I used to think that family was the pinnacle of being human. The one thing that should never be prioritised over. I still do believe this to an extent however its more common for, say, animals to depend upon their family group for their entire lifetime, and fight off anyone from another bloodline for protection. Human beings have the ability to meet someone they weren't raised by and not try to outrank them - in most cases! What I mean by this is that it's ok that family isn't number one on my list of priorities. Family is there to guide you through life, not to ensure that you follow step by step the path they took. Every person if different from the next and should have their own story to tell.

So my view on family is still the same as my previous blog post described it, but the people that I would consider family have changed. They now fall into two categories:

1. People I couldn't live without
2. Relatives

Being that the first category is relatively new, it doesn't really contain many people, to be exact it only  contains three. And even then there's only one person who consumes most of the spots available. 

Natasha

PHONE GALLERY

Here is a little look at some of the photos from the past year and a half. For more check out my Instagram.

My Mother and I at my Sister's graduation in Warwick - she was telling me to smile and I replied with what appears to be sarcasm - Jul 2013

By the pool in Tunisia - Jul 2013

Catherine, Maria, Me, Steph, Christmasy meal in giraffe - Dec 2013

When my McDonald's order number was the same as my birth year... - Feb 2014 

The best marshmallows I've ever eaten! - Mar 2014

Ali having the time of her life - Apr 2014

 Some of the shots from a holiday to Rhodes, Greece - May 2014

Arcade/Beach trip - Aug 2013

Steph, Catherine, Myself and Maria, beach trip - Aug 2013

Birthday business card from my sister - Jun 2014

Maria and Steph, Beach trip - Jul 2014

Maria and I, Beach trip - Jul 2014

Maria, Beach trip - Jul 2014

Steph, Maria, Ellis, Jake and Curtis, Beach trip - Jul 2014

Being the obnoxious children on the train and seeing how long we can make a chain of straws. Both ends were shut between the doors!, Beach trip - Jul 2014

Playing the game of "how many ____ can we get in Jake's hair" this time it was straws, beach trip - Jul 2014

When my young brother and sister came to stay! - Aug 2014

The day I walked around with this bag and had no idea what so ever what it said until I got back home... No wonder i was getting weird looks! - Sep 2014 

My brother's girlfriend, Franki, squatting with coach Katie and a quad bike... - Sep 2014

Attempting to take a picture of a bridge in London, in a moving car - Sep 2014

The one day out of the year I was fit - Oct 2014

The tree topper I made out of a urine cup, condom, gloves and (printed) cannabis leaf, for work! - Dec 2014 

James, Franki, Hannah, Dad and I, Boxing Day at Dad and Gail's - Dec 2014

First photo edited with my Mac - Dec 2014

The result of an hours conversation about youth slang - so they wouldn't forget  - Jan 2015

A clear example of how all photos of us are - Jan 2015

Natasha

GLASSES

I have worn glasses from around the age of 10, which is getting on to be half of my life! (*has panic attack*) And never really questioned the fact that other people do not need glasses or even contact lenses to see clearly. In my family it is somewhat common to wear glasses as at least 12 out of the 28 members, wear them.
But I had a thought a while ago:

" Some people can see without any kind of assistance "

Have you ever had a thought that makes you evaluate your existence? 

This was one of those thoughts for me. The fact that someone does not need a frame on their face or a tiny piece of Hydrogels on top of their eyeballs hit me very hard. 

It just seems like sight is the most taken-for-granted sense! Or it is to me because I've not really had enough of it. 

I've gotten so used to wearing glasses that I can't stand the sight of myself without my frames! Its one of my very large home comforts and people rarely see me without them on! Even so I would trade my frames for 'perfect' eyes in a heart beat.

Something else that I don't quite get is why glasses aren't free. I mean, I didn't choose to have poor eyesight. Surely I shouldn't have to fork out anywhere between £50 to £100 every year because my proscription changes. Maybe I'll add that to my list of policies for when I run for Prime Minister (yeah right).

Natasha 

DEAR 13 YEAR OLD ME

Dear 13 year old Natasha,

I'm going to start out with saying that half the things that we have accomplished are down to the rockbottom moments. They have been the fuel to drive us to make something of our life. Everything gets a lot easier to process, we mature (side note: prepare for the comments - there will be lots!), we grow, we go back to having a relatively normal teenage life. Its okay to feel shitty and down and like you want to shut yourself in your room for the rest of your life. Its okay to feel that because it passes. It actually passes a lot quicker than you think it would. But this is fair warning - there WILL be shitty moments to come!

It gets a lot clearer to see who our friends are and who is just in our life because they happen to be in the same place as us 5 days out of the week. Believe it or not but Maria is the one who sees us through absolutely everything. Not to mention Catherine and Steph who both make the group such fun to be around and make us happy that we have them. You have countless times to look forward to when all of us are recklessly having fun.

We finally shake HIM. Part of it due to him moving on but still, we shake him!!!! At this point in our life we don't actually know who HIM is yet, but all will be revealed soon enough. (brace yourself!)

Our desire for tattoos becomes very prominent around our 17th birthday and six months after that (when I'm writing this) we currently have on two temporary tattoos to see what they look like. (needless to say these are the first two we are actually getting).

For now, thats just about it - there's a lot for you to experience and understand from this point on so make sure that you jump to feel it. Good or Bad.

17 year old Natasha

IRONY

I've not got a great way of deal with some of the things that happen to me. It really varies on what the situation is but it will most likely be one of these things:

• Push everyone away
• Break down in front of someone/let someone know what I am going through
• Run
• Actually handle it like a sane human being

Recently I've tried the 'run' option. Out of habit I think. It pairs nicely with the 'push everyone away", which is another one that has reared its ugly head too. Ironically, something that I do when I feel the urge to metaphorically run away from my feelings or a situation is to physically run. I don't mean run away from home or anything, I just mean to go out in the early morning or late evening for half an hour or so and work up a sweat (horrible phrase). It really helps me clear my mind and makes me feel better for doing it.  

Something else I'll do is to write it down, But this only makes my feelings more clear and strong as I then have something to reread. So I tend to stick to running. It helps me see that something good - me having a clear head and getting in to shape (HA!) - can come out of something bad.

Something I wouldn't recommend though, is if you go out for a run in the early morning - early as in before you've eaten breakfast - because as soon as you come to a stop your body is going to want to get rid of all the acid building up in your stomach. And thats less than desirable!

Now that I have gotten into a routine, I run every other morning during the week and any time on Saturdays or Sundays. Mostly because  when I'm not working (like on a weekend) I get bored watching things on netflix and don't have any friends to hang out with but I really enjoy it so it works.

Natasha

THE POSSIBILITY OF US

The possibility of us is that there isn't. We are both in our own separate worlds, living our own separate lives without each other to call our own. For you thats ok, you seem happy, you look happy anyway. I'm not sure if that hurts or makes it easier, knowing that there can't be any temptation towards one another, knowing that this is just one sided. My sided. 

I never planned for this to happen, we can't pick who we fall for. If we could we wouldn't fall at all. I tried for it not to happen. Saying "friends is all we are". 

Turns out I'm good at lying when its to myself. Although I'm not too sure that I would have prepared myself had I'd known it was going to happen. I've had some of my best days with you and they're worth too  much to forfeit these feelings for.

It seems silly and irrelevant now, that I'm writing my feelings down. Knowing that they are unrequited but still trying to let you know in a non-obvious way. Maybe I just didn't want to forget them. Maybe its because it is very early and I can't seem to process all of this in my own head so I needed to write it down. Maybe its both. You know how I get at this time of the night.

Thinking about it both of us have been in my position before. Feeling something but not wanting to ruin something half decent we have already, but thinking that there could be a possibility that you can have what you want. We both know how that works out...

Natasha

SAVINGS!

I have never been very good with money. I've always favoured buying lots of smaller things the day I get my pay packet than one big thing that I will have to save for, so other than a wardrobe full to the brim I don't have anything really to show for my past year. 

I'd like this bad habit to end, so I have a few different pots that I would like my money to go into over the next year and a bit. 

1. A Car fund - Now that I have passed both driving tests I would like to be able to put into practice what I learnt, before I forget.(this would also includes maintenance money for insurance and MOTs and such
2. A Traveling fund - I would really, really like to do some kind of a tour of the USA. I'd love to see New York, California and Idaho as main stops but generally have the idea that I will see all of it. (ambitious much?) 
3. A rainy day fund - You never know when you are going to need some money and as it is me, I'm bound to need some!

I feel like maybe the car fund may take priority over the next few months as that is the thing that would happen the quickest. The traveling I am hoping to take my time with so will need less ties to where I am at the moment - and I also feel like I'll need a bit more self-confidence if I going to be travelling on my own!

I feel like with writing this I will be able to stick to it (I'm quite a flakey person when it comes to my own plans) so I'll see how well that turns out.

Natasha

AUGUST 2011 - JANUARY 2012

I started this blog to help me try to express a lot of thoughts that I had in my head, as I had a lot of them. I always used to hate writing, especially on computers because it made what you had written look like a very small amount, but then I had only ever written things for school. Things that I had no interest in - like war poetry... Not that war poetry isn't good, I just never saw it as a particularly useful use of my time - I was one of those kids! 
Since starting to write down whatever is flying around my head the most that week, it has really helped me to clear my head (somewhat!) It has given me more capacity to evaluate where my mind is and where I am heading(The things I never liked to think about).

In the spirit of writing down what thoughts are in my head I would like this post to be this weeks circulations - teenage pregnancy and abortion.

Anyone who knows me personally will know my events of 2011/2012. I was 14 at the time and in a very new, very serious (and consensual) relationship. I lost my virginity two months after my 14th birthday and found out I was pregnant a further three months from that. I was in no position to look after a child - being one myself - let alone go through the physical pain of having it develop inside me. For these two reasons I had an abortion.

I can't say I felt or even now feel anything towards it. At the time shutting down or detaching myself emotionally from what it was, was the only way to get through it and so from the moment I saw the positive result I knew what was in store for me.

As much as I day dreamed about having something that couldn't leave (daddy issues) and that would have to love me (another psychotic part of me) I knew I would not be able to go through with the pregnancy. I was in my second to last year of secondary school and the guy I was with was a school year older than me, neither of us had even a part time job that could support us let alone room to put everything that is necessary for a baby!

It was relatively simple, the procedure I mean. The only part that I can remember being somewhat annoyed about was that the closest clinic was in Reading. I went to this clinic twice, the first visit for the initial appointment - an ultrasound scan and a brief counselling session to check my competency - the second for the actual termination.

Because I was only six to seven weeks along I qualified for the pill procedure (I'm not sure on the actual name) but this entailed one pill to detach the foetus and four to flush it out of my system (I remember those words very clearly) I was given a cup of tea and told to wait until all of the pills had dissolved in my mouth and then I could go home. I remember the car journey vividly (no matter how hard I try to repress it) because I had taken an anti sickness tablet that I guess we can say didn't work...

Being so early on it was more or less a heavy period with a few strong cramps. It happened in January of 2012 and I had two weeks off of school, even after I was back I was eased in very slowly, only doing my school work in my head of year's office to keep the other kids in my year from asking me about my time off. It was an unnecessary and avoidable accident, I can see that now.

I've been able to reflect on the 'experience' and stop with all of my what-if scenarios and move on from it. For the circumstances that I was in I feel what I did was the right decision and I've learnt the hard way why safe sex is promoted so highly - and why I want to help anyone who has gone through the same/a similar thing. I know that this was quite a taboo topic but I don't have anything to hide about it anymore, it is just another part of how I've got to where I am.

Natasha