Happiness - Working Title...

"Hello old friend. Oh my, do we have some catching up to do."

Thats the sentence I have found myself saying a lot lately.

I feel like I have woken up from a two-year long coma and have slotted myself back into the world again. I finally feel like I can be a me that I'm happy with. I've spent so long trying to shut my brain off and not opening up that I forgot how much I love to talk and day dream and plan for the future. I've neglected so many people in my life out of what I thought was necessity, but every one of them has welcomed me back with open arms.

I have a few people in my life that have always been hell-bent on being happy. This allusive thing I've never felt overall about my life - I thought it meant all day everyday sat there with a cheshire-cat grin on your face. I know I've been happy but I always relied on someone else to get me there. Knowing this, I thought that I had become a good liar by being able to get out the words to convince them. Recently though, I have been told that that wasn't the case.

In the last few months these people have seen the change in me and highlighted it to me. I've also seen it in myself too, I sing more, smile more, laugh harder than I ever have. I strike up conversations easier and make an effort to do something with my day and generally have a more positive outlook on life. I didn't allow myself to look towards the future because all it did was depress me that it wasn't happening now. I've always wanted to be older than I actually am, and have all the things that came with it - The house, the kids and the responsibility were the only things I thought I would be content with. I'm still excited for the things, but I'm more looking forward to the journey to get there.

"What changed?" I can't hear you ask.

I went on holiday... Not a big thing in itself, I know. But to me it was the best move I've made so far. It was the first time I had left the country in three years and the first time ever without an adult! I thought that I was a very cautious person, someone who didn't like being too far from my home. I didn't like the thought of not being able to get myself home if I felt uncomfortable or scared and I thought that I wouldn't enjoy going away, but being away was completely different this time, and since then I haven't had any feelings like that - I feel at home wherever I am.

Tomorrow is something I look forward to now, and I'm loving it!

Natasha

IRONY

I've not got a great way of deal with some of the things that happen to me. It really varies on what the situation is but it will most likely be one of these things:

• Push everyone away
• Break down in front of someone/let someone know what I am going through
• Run
• Actually handle it like a sane human being

Recently I've tried the 'run' option. Out of habit I think. It pairs nicely with the 'push everyone away", which is another one that has reared its ugly head too. Ironically, something that I do when I feel the urge to metaphorically run away from my feelings or a situation is to physically run. I don't mean run away from home or anything, I just mean to go out in the early morning or late evening for half an hour or so and work up a sweat (horrible phrase). It really helps me clear my mind and makes me feel better for doing it.  

Something else I'll do is to write it down, But this only makes my feelings more clear and strong as I then have something to reread. So I tend to stick to running. It helps me see that something good - me having a clear head and getting in to shape (HA!) - can come out of something bad.

Something I wouldn't recommend though, is if you go out for a run in the early morning - early as in before you've eaten breakfast - because as soon as you come to a stop your body is going to want to get rid of all the acid building up in your stomach. And thats less than desirable!

Now that I have gotten into a routine, I run every other morning during the week and any time on Saturdays or Sundays. Mostly because  when I'm not working (like on a weekend) I get bored watching things on netflix and don't have any friends to hang out with but I really enjoy it so it works.

Natasha