January just gone was the 6 year anniversary of my medical termination and every year it rolls by it normally wipes me out for the month meaning that by February I'm almost back to "normal Tash" again. This year has been completely different though. January was still a very hard month for me but for other reasons. I'd just had a devastating break-up, I was trying to quit drinking and smoking everyday and basically was trying to build myself a routine and purpose. I had to many things going on and to try and get in order that the anniversary went unnoticed to me until (of all places) I was getting a tattoo.
Laying on the bed looking up at the ceiling trying to busy my mind with anything to distract from the pain, the "what would my 5 year old look like" question came up out of the blue. It didn't leave my head all day and by coincidence I went out for drinks that evening with the would-have-been-dad. He and I have never really in-depth spoken about what happened and told each other how we feel about it until then - I think alcohol was a big helper with that!
Having had that conversation with him I think has reaffirmed to me that just because an opportunity presents itself that doesn't mean it is right for you, even if it is something you really want. Had I actually gone through with the pregnancy there would have been a lot that I wouldn't have done. I probably wouldn't have finished school in a better position than I did. I wouldn't be in the job that I am now and I probably wouldn't have come out.
So this year was different because I didn't need to mope about and shut myself away for an entire month just to get through it. It's actually been my driving force to better myself and achieve the things I want to. Ultimately, isn't that what you want from "mistakes" in life? To make you want to learn how to do things the right and best way for you?
Natasha
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Saturday, 24 February 2018
Monday, 31 August 2015
THE PAST FIVE MONTHS
Ho. Ly. Shit!
So the past few months have been interesting - to say the least. What hasn't happened? I fell madly in love, turned 18, got my first tattoo and bought a car. All within 5 months.
Okay, so falling in love... I thought I had been through that before. Turns out I hadn't - like at all!
I've decided that what I had been through was attachment to another human being, craving human attention so much that you jump at the chance for the first person who comes along to give it to you.
No, What I'm in now is love. From the raging butterflies that consume my stomach every time she looks at me to the constant need of physical contact - there is no other way to describe it but that four letter word.
Turning 18... THE most anti-climactic thing going. I have been "out on the town" TWICE. Its safe to say I'm a little disappointed at myself.
My first tattoo - not something I went crazy with but boy do I have plans for my next... 100! I got a small stick woman outline in black on my left thumb/back of my hand. I love it because the tattooist used the exact drawing I gave him (that I drew) so she has little quirks about her. Like having stubby arms and one leg shorter than the other.
And finally my car. Miss Pepper "Chuggers" Chuggington is a Smooth Mint fiat 500 and I am utterly obsessed with her. Pepper gets her first name from a conversation I had with my dad, I was trying to explain the colour of the car and when he said "like peppermint?" I knew her name! "Chuggers" didn't come until the day I got her. I got her delivered to my work and the first place I drove her to was my girlfriends house. I picked her up and we went for a drive for me to "break in the car" as I was told to do by some many people and attempted a somewhat steep hill going 30 mph in 4th. Without soundly like I'm exaggerating pepper almost came to a stop! I quickly had to drop to 2nd, floor the accelerator and pray out loud, When an exclamation from passenger finished off her name. "Come on Chuggers" So far I have only three "decorations" - A small multi-coloured/gay pride themed dream catcher, A small licence plate that has my name on it from LA and a green stuffed money companion called Salt (like Salt and Pepper, get it?!) Who's arms and legs wrap around the headrest on my seat.
What an eventful five months - I'm utterly exhausted.
So the past few months have been interesting - to say the least. What hasn't happened? I fell madly in love, turned 18, got my first tattoo and bought a car. All within 5 months.
Okay, so falling in love... I thought I had been through that before. Turns out I hadn't - like at all!
I've decided that what I had been through was attachment to another human being, craving human attention so much that you jump at the chance for the first person who comes along to give it to you.
No, What I'm in now is love. From the raging butterflies that consume my stomach every time she looks at me to the constant need of physical contact - there is no other way to describe it but that four letter word.
Turning 18... THE most anti-climactic thing going. I have been "out on the town" TWICE. Its safe to say I'm a little disappointed at myself.
My first tattoo - not something I went crazy with but boy do I have plans for my next... 100! I got a small stick woman outline in black on my left thumb/back of my hand. I love it because the tattooist used the exact drawing I gave him (that I drew) so she has little quirks about her. Like having stubby arms and one leg shorter than the other.
And finally my car. Miss Pepper "Chuggers" Chuggington is a Smooth Mint fiat 500 and I am utterly obsessed with her. Pepper gets her first name from a conversation I had with my dad, I was trying to explain the colour of the car and when he said "like peppermint?" I knew her name! "Chuggers" didn't come until the day I got her. I got her delivered to my work and the first place I drove her to was my girlfriends house. I picked her up and we went for a drive for me to "break in the car" as I was told to do by some many people and attempted a somewhat steep hill going 30 mph in 4th. Without soundly like I'm exaggerating pepper almost came to a stop! I quickly had to drop to 2nd, floor the accelerator and pray out loud, When an exclamation from passenger finished off her name. "Come on Chuggers" So far I have only three "decorations" - A small multi-coloured/gay pride themed dream catcher, A small licence plate that has my name on it from LA and a green stuffed money companion called Salt (like Salt and Pepper, get it?!) Who's arms and legs wrap around the headrest on my seat.
What an eventful five months - I'm utterly exhausted.
Natasha
Tuesday, 9 September 2014
TATTOOS, DRINKING AND GROWING UP
I do not turn 18 for another eight months, but I am sure those eight months are going to fly right on past me just as the previous 208 months have. I don't like that I am growing and ageing at the rate I am, I feel like I should be at the age where it's acceptable to not be able to read properly and where having shoes that make a light show whenever you stamp you feet hard enough makes you the coolest kid in school. I want to stay at the age when nobody expects anything from me!
I have been trying to savour every part of my 'youth' before it disappears (if you couldn't tell), however there are some things that I am looking forward to about growing up.
I am looking forward to being the legal age to get ink shallowly scratched into my skin and I am looking forward to properly living up to my title of 'mother of the group' and taxiing my friends home after a sloppy drinking session.
I don't feel the necessity to celebrate my 18th with the messiest drinking session ever experienced, as I know some of my friends are edging towards, because I am not a big drinker and that is why I am not fussed about celebrating my 18th. Most of the times I have had alcohol have not been experiences I care to remember and those times where all brought on because I was ignoring the fact I didn't enjoy the taste one single bit.
I would much sooner, after a long and possibly stressful day, treat myself to a hot bath, cold glass of water and bar of chocolate than have a glass of alcohol. Now this isn't me saying "I wont ever drink alcohol in any capacity ever in my life EVER!" because there was a time that I didn't like the taste of coffee, and I managed to get over that, I am saying however that drinking on my 18th, or anyone else 18th isn't going to be something I am looking to do.
What were/are you most looking forward to for your 18th?
I have been trying to savour every part of my 'youth' before it disappears (if you couldn't tell), however there are some things that I am looking forward to about growing up.
I am looking forward to being the legal age to get ink shallowly scratched into my skin and I am looking forward to properly living up to my title of 'mother of the group' and taxiing my friends home after a sloppy drinking session.
I don't feel the necessity to celebrate my 18th with the messiest drinking session ever experienced, as I know some of my friends are edging towards, because I am not a big drinker and that is why I am not fussed about celebrating my 18th. Most of the times I have had alcohol have not been experiences I care to remember and those times where all brought on because I was ignoring the fact I didn't enjoy the taste one single bit.
I would much sooner, after a long and possibly stressful day, treat myself to a hot bath, cold glass of water and bar of chocolate than have a glass of alcohol. Now this isn't me saying "I wont ever drink alcohol in any capacity ever in my life EVER!" because there was a time that I didn't like the taste of coffee, and I managed to get over that, I am saying however that drinking on my 18th, or anyone else 18th isn't going to be something I am looking to do.
What were/are you most looking forward to for your 18th?
Natasha
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