Since starting to write down whatever is flying around my head the most that week, it has really helped me to clear my head (somewhat!) It has given me more capacity to evaluate where my mind is and where I am heading(The things I never liked to think about).
In the spirit of writing down what thoughts are in my head I would like this post to be this weeks circulations - teenage pregnancy and abortion.
Anyone who knows me personally will know my events of 2011/2012. I was 14 at the time and in a very new, very serious (and consensual) relationship. I lost my virginity two months after my 14th birthday and found out I was pregnant a further three months from that. I was in no position to look after a child - being one myself - let alone go through the physical pain of having it develop inside me. For these two reasons I had an abortion.
I can't say I felt or even now feel anything towards it. At the time shutting down or detaching myself emotionally from what it was, was the only way to get through it and so from the moment I saw the positive result I knew what was in store for me.
As much as I day dreamed about having something that couldn't leave (daddy issues) and that would have to love me (another psychotic part of me) I knew I would not be able to go through with the pregnancy. I was in my second to last year of secondary school and the guy I was with was a school year older than me, neither of us had even a part time job that could support us let alone room to put everything that is necessary for a baby!
It was relatively simple, the procedure I mean. The only part that I can remember being somewhat annoyed about was that the closest clinic was in Reading. I went to this clinic twice, the first visit for the initial appointment - an ultrasound scan and a brief counselling session to check my competency - the second for the actual termination.
Because I was only six to seven weeks along I qualified for the pill procedure (I'm not sure on the actual name) but this entailed one pill to detach the foetus and four to flush it out of my system (I remember those words very clearly) I was given a cup of tea and told to wait until all of the pills had dissolved in my mouth and then I could go home. I remember the car journey vividly (no matter how hard I try to repress it) because I had taken an anti sickness tablet that I guess we can say didn't work...
Being so early on it was more or less a heavy period with a few strong cramps. It happened in January of 2012 and I had two weeks off of school, even after I was back I was eased in very slowly, only doing my school work in my head of year's office to keep the other kids in my year from asking me about my time off. It was an unnecessary and avoidable accident, I can see that now.
I've been able to reflect on the 'experience' and stop with all of my what-if scenarios and move on from it. For the circumstances that I was in I feel what I did was the right decision and I've learnt the hard way why safe sex is promoted so highly - and why I want to help anyone who has gone through the same/a similar thing. I know that this was quite a taboo topic but I don't have anything to hide about it anymore, it is just another part of how I've got to where I am.
Natasha
