"New year, New me"
That phrase is tossed around by most people at the start of every year. Normally with a specific goal in mind. This year I too am one of those people however I'm not too sure what my specific goal is.
It appears that I need to start my road to discovery of myself but I'm not too sure how I go about that. I know my basic self already and the expected normality of what the future will hold so I'm not too sure where this road will lead me and if I'm honest I'm not too sure I care.
I don't hold any expectation that this year I will figure this out and I'm okay with that, but there is one thing I need to learn and hope to be able to grasp it soon.
How to live for myself
Since the age of 14 I have been in relationships and always had someone else to think of. Someone else to focus on. I'm the type of person that would rather do something for someone else than do something for me and with the start of this year I no longer have the option to do that.
I think the reasons that I dislike thinking about what I want is either that I am too young to want it or I have too many thoughts of what I want that I don't know where to start. I want to be able to flash forward 10 years and be somewhere different and more "settled" than where I am now.
All I really want, and know that I want, is to be happy. We have no choice in being born and no real "big-picture" reason for why we are here (that we know of) so why not try and make the most of what we can achieve.
What I think is hard for most people to grasp with me is that I am in many ways a lot older than my actual age. Having the prospect of starting a family at such a young age I feel that I have been chasing it ever since.
The things that I need to work on changing are the things that I have subconsciously put in place to push that reality further and further away. Who can happily start a family when they smoke, are borderline alcoholic and with someone that isn't ready for the things they want?
So I guess when I say that this year is going to be the year that I live for myself I really mean that this year I will stop self-sabotaging what I want and see where life can take me.
Natasha
