CUTTING THE "RECKLESS"

So today was the day that I cut the "reckless" out of my life. As of right now (9:05pm) I haven't had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 22 hours. I've decided to start writing because it's getting to the point in the evening when I would be reaching for at least one of those and as much as I don't want to I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm feeling more positive about this decision than I thought I was going to/have done when I've tried to quit in the past few months. 

I've only been smoking for just over 2 years but recently it has become something to fill my time with and I've gotten even more addicted to the habit than the actual nicotine itself. The thing that I have discovered today that made it so hard for me to cut down smoking or even quit completely in the past is that I feel the need to be busy 24/7. I need to have something to occupy my time with. 

The drinking I didn't really see as a problem until recently, even with some people raising their concerns. It was helping me be able to get to sleep without laying in bed for hours not being able to shut my brain off due to needing to fill every second of my day with something. This in-turn, I have just found out, was actually making me more tired as I wasn't able to achieve a deep enough sleep and I was waking up every day with at least a mild hangover. 

It also helped me with my appetite, somehow I had gotten to a place of only occasionally feeling hungry and if I had a drink or 2 say when I got in from work at 5pm then I knew I would be hungry enough by 7pm to make myself eat. I was a little anxious about whether or not my appetite would come back straight away however baring in mind that it hasn't even been 24 hours since my last drink I have had 3 meals today. I'm not going to lie I am proud of myself for that. 

With having just over a week off from work I have basically had nothing to do but to start kicking these habits and trying to develop a more relaxed outlook to free-time. I have had nearly everyone that I have spoken to over the last week tell me that I need to take care of myself more and to be honest it wasn't the words that they were saying that have forced me to try but it was the way that they were saying them. I hate feeling weak but what I hate even more is appearing it, and I guess I must be appearing weak as all I've really gotten from people is "How are you doing"s and sympathetic head tilts. 

This week off has really opened my eyes in to how very broken I am but also it has helped me to re-calibrate and achieve some very basic things that I really didn't think I would be able to achieve. So for that at least, I am thankful.

Natasha

NEW YEAR, NEW ME

"New year, New me"

That phrase is tossed around by most people at the start of every year. Normally with a specific goal in mind. This year I too am one of those people however I'm not too sure what my specific goal is.

It appears that I need to start my road to discovery of myself but I'm not too sure how I go about that. I know my basic self already and the expected normality of what the future will hold so I'm not too sure where this road will lead me and if I'm honest I'm not too sure I care.

I don't hold any expectation that this year I will figure this out and I'm okay with that, but there is one thing I need to learn and hope to be able to grasp it soon.

How to live for myself

Since the age of 14 I have been in relationships and always had someone else to think of. Someone else to focus on. I'm the type of person that would rather do something for someone else than do something for me and with the start of this year I no longer have the option to do that.

I think the reasons that I dislike thinking about what I want is either that I am too young to want it or I have too many thoughts of what I want that I don't know where to start. I want to be able to flash forward 10 years and be somewhere different and more "settled" than where I am now.

All I really want, and know that I want, is to be happy. We have no choice in being born and no real "big-picture" reason for why we are here (that we know of) so why not try and make the most of what we can achieve. 

What I think is hard for most people to grasp with me is that I am in many ways a lot older than my actual age. Having the prospect of starting a family at such a young age I feel that I have been chasing it ever since.

The things that I need to work on changing are the things that I have subconsciously put in place to push that reality further and further away. Who can happily start a family when they smoke, are borderline alcoholic and with someone that isn't ready for the things they want?

So I guess when I say that this year is going to be the year that I live for myself I really mean that this year I will stop self-sabotaging what I want and see where life can take me.

Natasha