DEAR 13 YEAR OLD ME

Dear 13 year old Natasha,

I'm going to start out with saying that half the things that we have accomplished are down to the rockbottom moments. They have been the fuel to drive us to make something of our life. Everything gets a lot easier to process, we mature (side note: prepare for the comments - there will be lots!), we grow, we go back to having a relatively normal teenage life. Its okay to feel shitty and down and like you want to shut yourself in your room for the rest of your life. Its okay to feel that because it passes. It actually passes a lot quicker than you think it would. But this is fair warning - there WILL be shitty moments to come!

It gets a lot clearer to see who our friends are and who is just in our life because they happen to be in the same place as us 5 days out of the week. Believe it or not but Maria is the one who sees us through absolutely everything. Not to mention Catherine and Steph who both make the group such fun to be around and make us happy that we have them. You have countless times to look forward to when all of us are recklessly having fun.

We finally shake HIM. Part of it due to him moving on but still, we shake him!!!! At this point in our life we don't actually know who HIM is yet, but all will be revealed soon enough. (brace yourself!)

Our desire for tattoos becomes very prominent around our 17th birthday and six months after that (when I'm writing this) we currently have on two temporary tattoos to see what they look like. (needless to say these are the first two we are actually getting).

For now, thats just about it - there's a lot for you to experience and understand from this point on so make sure that you jump to feel it. Good or Bad.

17 year old Natasha

IRONY

I've not got a great way of deal with some of the things that happen to me. It really varies on what the situation is but it will most likely be one of these things:

• Push everyone away
• Break down in front of someone/let someone know what I am going through
• Run
• Actually handle it like a sane human being

Recently I've tried the 'run' option. Out of habit I think. It pairs nicely with the 'push everyone away", which is another one that has reared its ugly head too. Ironically, something that I do when I feel the urge to metaphorically run away from my feelings or a situation is to physically run. I don't mean run away from home or anything, I just mean to go out in the early morning or late evening for half an hour or so and work up a sweat (horrible phrase). It really helps me clear my mind and makes me feel better for doing it.  

Something else I'll do is to write it down, But this only makes my feelings more clear and strong as I then have something to reread. So I tend to stick to running. It helps me see that something good - me having a clear head and getting in to shape (HA!) - can come out of something bad.

Something I wouldn't recommend though, is if you go out for a run in the early morning - early as in before you've eaten breakfast - because as soon as you come to a stop your body is going to want to get rid of all the acid building up in your stomach. And thats less than desirable!

Now that I have gotten into a routine, I run every other morning during the week and any time on Saturdays or Sundays. Mostly because  when I'm not working (like on a weekend) I get bored watching things on netflix and don't have any friends to hang out with but I really enjoy it so it works.

Natasha

THE POSSIBILITY OF US

The possibility of us is that there isn't. We are both in our own separate worlds, living our own separate lives without each other to call our own. For you thats ok, you seem happy, you look happy anyway. I'm not sure if that hurts or makes it easier, knowing that there can't be any temptation towards one another, knowing that this is just one sided. My sided. 

I never planned for this to happen, we can't pick who we fall for. If we could we wouldn't fall at all. I tried for it not to happen. Saying "friends is all we are". 

Turns out I'm good at lying when its to myself. Although I'm not too sure that I would have prepared myself had I'd known it was going to happen. I've had some of my best days with you and they're worth too  much to forfeit these feelings for.

It seems silly and irrelevant now, that I'm writing my feelings down. Knowing that they are unrequited but still trying to let you know in a non-obvious way. Maybe I just didn't want to forget them. Maybe its because it is very early and I can't seem to process all of this in my own head so I needed to write it down. Maybe its both. You know how I get at this time of the night.

Thinking about it both of us have been in my position before. Feeling something but not wanting to ruin something half decent we have already, but thinking that there could be a possibility that you can have what you want. We both know how that works out...

Natasha

SAVINGS!

I have never been very good with money. I've always favoured buying lots of smaller things the day I get my pay packet than one big thing that I will have to save for, so other than a wardrobe full to the brim I don't have anything really to show for my past year. 

I'd like this bad habit to end, so I have a few different pots that I would like my money to go into over the next year and a bit. 

1. A Car fund - Now that I have passed both driving tests I would like to be able to put into practice what I learnt, before I forget.(this would also includes maintenance money for insurance and MOTs and such
2. A Traveling fund - I would really, really like to do some kind of a tour of the USA. I'd love to see New York, California and Idaho as main stops but generally have the idea that I will see all of it. (ambitious much?) 
3. A rainy day fund - You never know when you are going to need some money and as it is me, I'm bound to need some!

I feel like maybe the car fund may take priority over the next few months as that is the thing that would happen the quickest. The traveling I am hoping to take my time with so will need less ties to where I am at the moment - and I also feel like I'll need a bit more self-confidence if I going to be travelling on my own!

I feel like with writing this I will be able to stick to it (I'm quite a flakey person when it comes to my own plans) so I'll see how well that turns out.

Natasha

AUGUST 2011 - JANUARY 2012

I started this blog to help me try to express a lot of thoughts that I had in my head, as I had a lot of them. I always used to hate writing, especially on computers because it made what you had written look like a very small amount, but then I had only ever written things for school. Things that I had no interest in - like war poetry... Not that war poetry isn't good, I just never saw it as a particularly useful use of my time - I was one of those kids! 
Since starting to write down whatever is flying around my head the most that week, it has really helped me to clear my head (somewhat!) It has given me more capacity to evaluate where my mind is and where I am heading(The things I never liked to think about).

In the spirit of writing down what thoughts are in my head I would like this post to be this weeks circulations - teenage pregnancy and abortion.

Anyone who knows me personally will know my events of 2011/2012. I was 14 at the time and in a very new, very serious (and consensual) relationship. I lost my virginity two months after my 14th birthday and found out I was pregnant a further three months from that. I was in no position to look after a child - being one myself - let alone go through the physical pain of having it develop inside me. For these two reasons I had an abortion.

I can't say I felt or even now feel anything towards it. At the time shutting down or detaching myself emotionally from what it was, was the only way to get through it and so from the moment I saw the positive result I knew what was in store for me.

As much as I day dreamed about having something that couldn't leave (daddy issues) and that would have to love me (another psychotic part of me) I knew I would not be able to go through with the pregnancy. I was in my second to last year of secondary school and the guy I was with was a school year older than me, neither of us had even a part time job that could support us let alone room to put everything that is necessary for a baby!

It was relatively simple, the procedure I mean. The only part that I can remember being somewhat annoyed about was that the closest clinic was in Reading. I went to this clinic twice, the first visit for the initial appointment - an ultrasound scan and a brief counselling session to check my competency - the second for the actual termination.

Because I was only six to seven weeks along I qualified for the pill procedure (I'm not sure on the actual name) but this entailed one pill to detach the foetus and four to flush it out of my system (I remember those words very clearly) I was given a cup of tea and told to wait until all of the pills had dissolved in my mouth and then I could go home. I remember the car journey vividly (no matter how hard I try to repress it) because I had taken an anti sickness tablet that I guess we can say didn't work...

Being so early on it was more or less a heavy period with a few strong cramps. It happened in January of 2012 and I had two weeks off of school, even after I was back I was eased in very slowly, only doing my school work in my head of year's office to keep the other kids in my year from asking me about my time off. It was an unnecessary and avoidable accident, I can see that now.

I've been able to reflect on the 'experience' and stop with all of my what-if scenarios and move on from it. For the circumstances that I was in I feel what I did was the right decision and I've learnt the hard way why safe sex is promoted so highly - and why I want to help anyone who has gone through the same/a similar thing. I know that this was quite a taboo topic but I don't have anything to hide about it anymore, it is just another part of how I've got to where I am.

Natasha