January just gone was the 6 year anniversary of my medical termination and every year it rolls by it normally wipes me out for the month meaning that by February I'm almost back to "normal Tash" again. This year has been completely different though. January was still a very hard month for me but for other reasons. I'd just had a devastating break-up, I was trying to quit drinking and smoking everyday and basically was trying to build myself a routine and purpose. I had to many things going on and to try and get in order that the anniversary went unnoticed to me until (of all places) I was getting a tattoo.
Laying on the bed looking up at the ceiling trying to busy my mind with anything to distract from the pain, the "what would my 5 year old look like" question came up out of the blue. It didn't leave my head all day and by coincidence I went out for drinks that evening with the would-have-been-dad. He and I have never really in-depth spoken about what happened and told each other how we feel about it until then - I think alcohol was a big helper with that!
Having had that conversation with him I think has reaffirmed to me that just because an opportunity presents itself that doesn't mean it is right for you, even if it is something you really want. Had I actually gone through with the pregnancy there would have been a lot that I wouldn't have done. I probably wouldn't have finished school in a better position than I did. I wouldn't be in the job that I am now and I probably wouldn't have come out.
So this year was different because I didn't need to mope about and shut myself away for an entire month just to get through it. It's actually been my driving force to better myself and achieve the things I want to. Ultimately, isn't that what you want from "mistakes" in life? To make you want to learn how to do things the right and best way for you?
Natasha
