Happiness - Working Title...

"Hello old friend. Oh my, do we have some catching up to do."

Thats the sentence I have found myself saying a lot lately.

I feel like I have woken up from a two-year long coma and have slotted myself back into the world again. I finally feel like I can be a me that I'm happy with. I've spent so long trying to shut my brain off and not opening up that I forgot how much I love to talk and day dream and plan for the future. I've neglected so many people in my life out of what I thought was necessity, but every one of them has welcomed me back with open arms.

I have a few people in my life that have always been hell-bent on being happy. This allusive thing I've never felt overall about my life - I thought it meant all day everyday sat there with a cheshire-cat grin on your face. I know I've been happy but I always relied on someone else to get me there. Knowing this, I thought that I had become a good liar by being able to get out the words to convince them. Recently though, I have been told that that wasn't the case.

In the last few months these people have seen the change in me and highlighted it to me. I've also seen it in myself too, I sing more, smile more, laugh harder than I ever have. I strike up conversations easier and make an effort to do something with my day and generally have a more positive outlook on life. I didn't allow myself to look towards the future because all it did was depress me that it wasn't happening now. I've always wanted to be older than I actually am, and have all the things that came with it - The house, the kids and the responsibility were the only things I thought I would be content with. I'm still excited for the things, but I'm more looking forward to the journey to get there.

"What changed?" I can't hear you ask.

I went on holiday... Not a big thing in itself, I know. But to me it was the best move I've made so far. It was the first time I had left the country in three years and the first time ever without an adult! I thought that I was a very cautious person, someone who didn't like being too far from my home. I didn't like the thought of not being able to get myself home if I felt uncomfortable or scared and I thought that I wouldn't enjoy going away, but being away was completely different this time, and since then I haven't had any feelings like that - I feel at home wherever I am.

Tomorrow is something I look forward to now, and I'm loving it!

Natasha

CHRISTMAS

I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that it is already August. Having said that, I'm starting to not be able to contain my excitement for Christmas!

I don't know if it's the lack of summer weather or really just that I love the end of the year but boy, I can't wait. The layers come out, the heating goes on. It's all hot chocolate and blankets and celebrations. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

I think this year I'm more excited than ever because I have put myself down to work Christmas day. Something I know a lot of people wouldn't do, but I love my job - I work on a children's ward at a hospital. 

When I got the job the resounding reply I got was "Isn't that going to be really difficult, seeing sick children everyday?" Don't get me wrong, it isn't rainbows and sunshine all day every day. It gets manic and stressful and disconcerting at times but all it takes is for one child to laugh or dance around for the mood to change. 

Phrases said on the daily are "I can't cope, they are too cute" and "Be careful or I might just steal you". Children are resilient and being able to see the change in them from one day to the next is beautiful. There have been a fair few kids that have been with us for a while, I have a habit of getting myself attached or invested in their recovery and the hardest thing — at least in my case — is saying "Okay you, I don't want to see you back here!" because I'm so happy that they are better but at the same time I'm not going to see them everyday. 

On Christmas day, we only have the kids in that require too much to be able to go home. Which means that the staff on shift are a part of their day - Santa comes in, presents are given out and you won't be able to find a single member of staff without some kind of headband with antlers or snowflakes on. Everyone is in high spirits and it's such a chilled day. 

I see it like another family I get to celebrate with.

I'm so excited!

Natasha