CUTTING THE "RECKLESS"

So today was the day that I cut the "reckless" out of my life. As of right now (9:05pm) I haven't had an alcoholic drink or cigarette in 22 hours. I've decided to start writing because it's getting to the point in the evening when I would be reaching for at least one of those and as much as I don't want to I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm feeling more positive about this decision than I thought I was going to/have done when I've tried to quit in the past few months. 

I've only been smoking for just over 2 years but recently it has become something to fill my time with and I've gotten even more addicted to the habit than the actual nicotine itself. The thing that I have discovered today that made it so hard for me to cut down smoking or even quit completely in the past is that I feel the need to be busy 24/7. I need to have something to occupy my time with. 

The drinking I didn't really see as a problem until recently, even with some people raising their concerns. It was helping me be able to get to sleep without laying in bed for hours not being able to shut my brain off due to needing to fill every second of my day with something. This in-turn, I have just found out, was actually making me more tired as I wasn't able to achieve a deep enough sleep and I was waking up every day with at least a mild hangover. 

It also helped me with my appetite, somehow I had gotten to a place of only occasionally feeling hungry and if I had a drink or 2 say when I got in from work at 5pm then I knew I would be hungry enough by 7pm to make myself eat. I was a little anxious about whether or not my appetite would come back straight away however baring in mind that it hasn't even been 24 hours since my last drink I have had 3 meals today. I'm not going to lie I am proud of myself for that. 

With having just over a week off from work I have basically had nothing to do but to start kicking these habits and trying to develop a more relaxed outlook to free-time. I have had nearly everyone that I have spoken to over the last week tell me that I need to take care of myself more and to be honest it wasn't the words that they were saying that have forced me to try but it was the way that they were saying them. I hate feeling weak but what I hate even more is appearing it, and I guess I must be appearing weak as all I've really gotten from people is "How are you doing"s and sympathetic head tilts. 

This week off has really opened my eyes in to how very broken I am but also it has helped me to re-calibrate and achieve some very basic things that I really didn't think I would be able to achieve. So for that at least, I am thankful.

Natasha