I was never really a person who wore jewellery. I've always had it, just never remembered or could be bothered to put it on. Now however, I seem to have acquired a few pieces that I never take off.
I've worn the same ring for four years, just a simple silver band that sits on my middle finger of my right hand. I got it to wear to prom in 2013 and from that day it has never really come off.
I have another ring that sits on my index finger of my left hand, this one I guess I've somewhat stolen.
I wear the same necklace every day because I love it so much. It's a simple thin chain with a circle pendant that has my zodiac sign on it. I'm not a believer in the zodiac but the person who designed it modelled it after a necklace her dad passed down to her and I like that notion.
My last piece — and my favourite piece — is a bracelet. It's a very thing blue string with silver beads, the beads are different sizes and spell out a word in morse code. This again doesn't ever leave my vicinity , if it isn't on my wrist then its on my necklace as I can't wear bracelets at work.
I never thought I would find such comfort in a small amount of metal or string, but I do. Its like being able to carry around your comfort blanket wherever you go. I go in search of them no matter what my mood. I twist my rings around my fingers when I walk or have something to concentrate on. I hold the pendant of my necklace when I'm talking to people or am getting stressed. Its almost like they have become a part of me, just an extra limb to me now.
Natasha
Its like flying and being out-of-your-face-drunk all at once.
You can feel every pressure point, tension and knot in your body and almost feel them coming undone.
Its like you're having a million different conversations with a million different people but you know you've been silent the entire time.
Its like wanting to take on the world and make it something completely different but also not wanting to move an inch.
Its like having the entirety of your personality release itself ahead of you and you're trying to catch up with it.
Its like you somewhat know whats going on, you just don't care about what it is to really know.
It can transport you into some other dimension and make you live in that world for what feels like forever.
It can make you think things you never thought possible.
It can make you feel things that you never dreamt possible.
That is... until the comedown.
Natasha
Lucy Chelsea Erin mother-fucking Whiles.
You are something else, someone else.
Alright, so its quarter to two on a Wednesday morning. This is one of the very few nights that we have been apart in the past month and guess what... I can't sleep, so i'm just going to type and see what comes out. Here goes -
Without wanting to sound dramatic (but knowing I will) you have flipped my world upside-down. I've never felt like a real, happy future was waiting for me — that it would even be attainable — but you have shown me what happy is and how much it's been missing from my life. Its taken you three months to turn me in the person I've wanted to and tried to be for 20 years.
No amount of time with you is long enough, it always goes too quickly. Before I know it its quarter to seven in the morning and you're going off to work and I have to deal with not being with you for the next 10 hours. I feel like I'm just being able to catch my breath and realise just how real this all is, Because its more real than either one of us thought it was ever going to be.
Trying to put down in words exactly how you make me feel and what you mean to me is proving difficult. And I'm an articulate person. You've got me stumped. Its like I could burst at any moment. You could look at me or smile or try to hide and its like my entire body is shouting "I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH" but it's not shouting at all because I feel so calm and at peace, Its like a really loud, comforting whisper that radiates through me.
You are the unicorn to my Agnes.
You are my definition of home.
"Hello old friend. Oh my, do we have some catching up to do."
Thats the sentence I have found myself saying a lot lately.
I feel like I have woken up from a two-year long coma and have slotted myself back into the world again. I finally feel like I can be a me that I'm happy with. I've spent so long trying to shut my brain off and not opening up that I forgot how much I love to talk and day dream and plan for the future. I've neglected so many people in my life out of what I thought was necessity, but every one of them has welcomed me back with open arms.
I have a few people in my life that have always been hell-bent on being happy. This allusive thing I've never felt overall about my life - I thought it meant all day everyday sat there with a cheshire-cat grin on your face. I know I've been happy but I always relied on someone else to get me there. Knowing this, I thought that I had become a good liar by being able to get out the words to convince them. Recently though, I have been told that that wasn't the case.
In the last few months these people have seen the change in me and highlighted it to me. I've also seen it in myself too, I sing more, smile more, laugh harder than I ever have. I strike up conversations easier and make an effort to do something with my day and generally have a more positive outlook on life. I didn't allow myself to look towards the future because all it did was depress me that it wasn't happening now. I've always wanted to be older than I actually am, and have all the things that came with it - The house, the kids and the responsibility were the only things I thought I would be content with. I'm still excited for the things, but I'm more looking forward to the journey to get there.
"What changed?" I can't hear you ask.
I went on holiday... Not a big thing in itself, I know. But to me it was the best move I've made so far. It was the first time I had left the country in three years and the first time ever without an adult! I thought that I was a very cautious person, someone who didn't like being too far from my home. I didn't like the thought of not being able to get myself home if I felt uncomfortable or scared and I thought that I wouldn't enjoy going away, but being away was completely different this time, and since then I haven't had any feelings like that - I feel at home wherever I am.
Tomorrow is something I look forward to now, and I'm loving it!
Natasha
I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that it is already August. Having said that, I'm starting to not be able to contain my excitement for Christmas!
I don't know if it's the lack of summer weather or really just that I love the end of the year but boy, I can't wait. The layers come out, the heating goes on. It's all hot chocolate and blankets and celebrations. I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
I think this year I'm more excited than ever because I have put myself down to work Christmas day. Something I know a lot of people wouldn't do, but I love my job - I work on a children's ward at a hospital.
When I got the job the resounding reply I got was "Isn't that going to be really difficult, seeing sick children everyday?" Don't get me wrong, it isn't rainbows and sunshine all day every day. It gets manic and stressful and disconcerting at times but all it takes is for one child to laugh or dance around for the mood to change.
Phrases said on the daily are "I can't cope, they are too cute" and "Be careful or I might just steal you". Children are resilient and being able to see the change in them from one day to the next is beautiful. There have been a fair few kids that have been with us for a while, I have a habit of getting myself attached or invested in their recovery and the hardest thing — at least in my case — is saying "Okay you, I don't want to see you back here!" because I'm so happy that they are better but at the same time I'm not going to see them everyday.
On Christmas day, we only have the kids in that require too much to be able to go home. Which means that the staff on shift are a part of their day - Santa comes in, presents are given out and you won't be able to find a single member of staff without some kind of headband with antlers or snowflakes on. Everyone is in high spirits and it's such a chilled day.
I see it like another family I get to celebrate with.
I'm so excited!
Natasha
Ho. Ly. Shit!
So the past few months have been interesting - to say the least. What hasn't happened? I fell madly in love, turned 18, got my first tattoo and bought a car. All within 5 months.
Okay, so falling in love... I thought I had been through that before. Turns out I hadn't - like at all!
I've decided that what I had been through was attachment to another human being, craving human attention so much that you jump at the chance for the first person who comes along to give it to you.
No, What I'm in now is love. From the raging butterflies that consume my stomach every time she looks at me to the constant need of physical contact - there is no other way to describe it but that four letter word.
Turning 18... THE most anti-climactic thing going. I have been "out on the town" TWICE. Its safe to say I'm a little disappointed at myself.
My first tattoo - not something I went crazy with but boy do I have plans for my next... 100! I got a small stick woman outline in black on my left thumb/back of my hand. I love it because the tattooist used the exact drawing I gave him (that I drew) so she has little quirks about her. Like having stubby arms and one leg shorter than the other.
And finally my car. Miss Pepper "Chuggers" Chuggington is a Smooth Mint fiat 500 and I am utterly obsessed with her. Pepper gets her first name from a conversation I had with my dad, I was trying to explain the colour of the car and when he said "like peppermint?" I knew her name! "Chuggers" didn't come until the day I got her. I got her delivered to my work and the first place I drove her to was my girlfriends house. I picked her up and we went for a drive for me to "break in the car" as I was told to do by some many people and attempted a somewhat steep hill going 30 mph in 4th. Without soundly like I'm exaggerating pepper almost came to a stop! I quickly had to drop to 2nd, floor the accelerator and pray out loud, When an exclamation from passenger finished off her name. "Come on Chuggers" So far I have only three "decorations" - A small multi-coloured/gay pride themed dream catcher, A small licence plate that has my name on it from LA and a green stuffed money companion called Salt (like Salt and Pepper, get it?!) Who's arms and legs wrap around the headrest on my seat.
What an eventful five months - I'm utterly exhausted.
Natasha
So one of my first posts on this blog was about family, mine specifically, and in that post (which you can read here) I wrote about how I would call someone a family member even if we aren't blood related to me but then continued the post by only talking about my actual family members.
I love my family, no matter how big or complicated it is. But family is somewhat forced upon you from birth. You don't really have a choice in the matter of if you actually want those people in your life and I think because of this we all develop different sides of our selves. I free a few more of my personality traits with my friends than I do with my family and that's because they are two very different groups of people.
I used to think that family was the pinnacle of being human. The one thing that should never be prioritised over. I still do believe this to an extent however its more common for, say, animals to depend upon their family group for their entire lifetime, and fight off anyone from another bloodline for protection. Human beings have the ability to meet someone they weren't raised by and not try to outrank them - in most cases! What I mean by this is that it's ok that family isn't number one on my list of priorities. Family is there to guide you through life, not to ensure that you follow step by step the path they took. Every person if different from the next and should have their own story to tell.
So my view on family is still the same as my previous blog post described it, but the people that I would consider family have changed. They now fall into two categories:
- People I couldn't live without
- Relatives
Being that the first category is relatively new, it doesn't really contain many people, to be exact it only contains three. And even then there's only one person who consumes most of the spots available.
Natasha
