This past year, has been a strange one. Some things happened
just as I expected them too, but others took me by surprise. I was both excited
and scared to leave secondary school and move on to college. I liked the idea
of choosing a few subjects that I loved (Music, Drama, English Literature)
rather than having to sit through lessons that I couldn’t care less about. For
example, Maths and science; I hated those lessons because I had no idea what
the heck was going on, and didn’t understand anything I was being ‘taught’.
However, I was completely terrified of being stuck in new classes full of
people that I didn’t know.
- I am a ridiculously shy person, full of anxiety (yay). So talking to new people is really difficult for me. People never really believe me because I’m a performer. I’ve been on stage, singing, dancing, and acting in front of reasonably large audiences; people don’t seem to understand that being a character with prewritten lines is totally different to being myself and having to find ways to hold a conversation.
- I am a ridiculously shy person, full of anxiety (yay). So talking to new people is really difficult for me. People never really believe me because I’m a performer. I’ve been on stage, singing, dancing, and acting in front of reasonably large audiences; people don’t seem to understand that being a character with prewritten lines is totally different to being myself and having to find ways to hold a conversation.
In secondary school, my friendship groups were a mess. I was
friends with a large group of people for the most part of four years, and then
realised that a lot of them were assholes and I didn’t want them for company.
So then my friendship group changed and I had five best friends that I spoke to
every single day. But going into college ruined all of that. We all chose very
different subjects to study, meaning that we had very different timetables and
met different people. At first we would try to meet up at lunch as often as
possible, but that soon changed. As everyone made friends, they started hanging
out with them instead, so as a result, I was left alone. For around a month, I
spent my days silently sitting through lessons and awkwardly finding places to
sit during lunch where I could be alone and not feel like I was getting judged
(not freaking easy). I was in a
seriously bad place, and hated my life. Even worse, I hated myself.
But then a miracle happened and two of the girls from my old friendship group (the one with the assholes) saw me sat alone and invited me to join them. And to this day they are some of my best friends again, and I don’t know where I would be without them.
But then a miracle happened and two of the girls from my old friendship group (the one with the assholes) saw me sat alone and invited me to join them. And to this day they are some of my best friends again, and I don’t know where I would be without them.
I still hate college, and im pretty sure that im going to
fail my exams (like seriously, I procrastinate so much. As im writing this, im
supposed to be reading two novels and writing at least three essays, but this
is more fun so….)
Another issue I had was trying to figure out what I was
going to do with my life. This period of time is full of decisions that we are
pressured into making, even though we have no idea what we want to do. I spent
so many nights crying myself to sleep because I just didn’t know what I wanted
to do. My mum had been making me look at university courses and dragging me to
Open Days, and this whole process stressed me out and actually made me really
sad. And very recently I realised that this was not okay. If it’s making me
with sad and scared, then it’s not for me. I tried to think about what made me
happy, rather than what my family wanted me to do, and what society expected of
me. The things that I love are 1.) Books; I love reading, and I actually love
to write as well. 2.) Music; music is seriously one of my favourite things
ever, I don’t go a day without listening to something. And I love to create
music, I play guitar, ukulele, piano, clarinet (oh so cool) and I sing, and I
know that I want music in my future. And 3.) I love the internet; more
specifically YouTube, I spend so much of my time there and am subscribed to
around 200 channels, but I also love to make videos, and I really enjoy editing
them. I know that I want each of these things in my future, but the difficult
part, is telling my family. They are the type of people to completely shun the
idea, and be totally unsupportive. But I know now that this is something that I
want, so their opinions aren’t going to stop me.
This past year, has been a strange one. I lost friends, and
spent a long time being confused and seriously unhappy. But I also rekindled
friendships and found out who I want to be, so I guess it wasn’t too bad…
